(Note: I work for a website where 13-year-olds and equally audacious people like to publish their knowledge. "Dear Jacqueline" is a page devoted to their work that didn't quite make the cut. You should be able to tell where my sarcasm stops and their wisdom steps in. For the record, no spelling or punctuation has been changed.)
Dear Jacqueline,
How do I hold hands with my boyfriend?! Help!
Oof. You're right, that is a doozie. How many hands do you have between the two of you? Wait, no. Don't answer that. It doesn't matter. I think I'm going to consult Asian Hipster again on this one. She's done loads of hand holding in parks.
She's got it! Gotta admit, I've never tried this method of hand-holding before. Here's the answer to all your woes:
- Take your hand, make sure it is covered in lotion, partners love this.
- Look her/him straight in their eyes as they are tied down by rope and whisper "ravioli ravioli give me the formuoli"
- Proceed to grasp your partner's hand
- Don't let go
- You win. This is where you go in for the kill
- Reveal you are a lobster, you have always been a lobster
- Go back to the ocean and tell your lobster friends about your sick night
Duh. I mean, why didn't I think of that?
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