The Best Advice #5

(Note: I work for a website where 13-year-olds and equally audacious people like to publish their knowledge. "Dear Jacqueline" is a page devoted to their work that didn't quite make the cut. You should be able to tell where my sarcasm stops and their wisdom steps in. For the record, no spelling or punctuation has been changed.)

Dear Jacqueline,

How do I have a personal relationship with God?! Help!
PS - I'm a Christian.

Wowwwww. I am soooo not the right person to ask for this one. HOWEVER, I do have a friend who really likes unicorns, so she'd probably be able to help. Let's see what she thinks about this one.


She totally knows what you should do! You're in luck. To get that warm, fuzzy, alpha-and-omega feeling in your stomach, here's everything you need to know:

1. Never tell him your credit card number
2. 2
3. Don't disclose any private informations about who you love
4. 3
5. Embrace science

...Idiot-tested. Jesus-approved.

The Best Advice Ever #4

(Note: I work for a website where 13-year-olds and equally audacious people like to publish their knowledge. "Dear Jacqueline" is a page devoted to their work that didn't quite make the cut. You should be able to tell where my sarcasm stops and their wisdom steps in. For the record, no spelling or punctuation has been changed.)

Dear Jacqueline,

How do I hold hands with my boyfriend?! Help!

Oof. You're right, that is a doozie. How many hands do you have between the two of you? Wait, no. Don't answer that. It doesn't matter. I think I'm going to consult Asian Hipster again on this one. She's done loads of hand holding in parks.


She's got it! Gotta admit, I've never tried this method of hand-holding before. Here's the answer to all your woes:

1. Take your hand, make sure it is covered in lotion, partners love this.
2. Look her/him straight in their eyes as they are tied down by rope and whisper "ravioli ravioli give me the formuoli"
3. Proceed to grasp your partner's hand
4. Don't let go
5. You win. This is where you go in for the kill
6. Reveal you are a lobster, you have always been a lobster
7. Go back to the ocean and tell your lobster friends about your sick night

Duh. I mean, why didn't I think of that?

The Best Advice Ever #3

(Note: I work for a website where 13-year-olds and equally audacious people like to publish their knowledge. "Dear Jacqueline" is a page devoted to their work that didn't quite make the cut. You should be able to tell where my sarcasm stops and their wisdom steps in. For the record, no spelling or punctuation has been changed.)

Dear Jacqueline,

How do I conceal my farts in public?! Help!

Well, whoever you are, you're in luck! I know TONS about concealing farts. Years of experience. In fact, that's why I'm going to tackle this tough topic myself. Let me carefully consider your situation for just a second.


Okay, I think I have it. I suggest you use the "blame it on a squirel" method. Here's what you need to do:

1. blame it on a squirel
2. 1
3. no one knows how they fart anyway ok gurrlll so fart awayyy

...You're welcome.

The Best Advice Ever #2

Dear Jacqueline,

How do I measure the pH of water? Help!

Hmm. That's a tough one, indeed. Let's see what Asian Hipster has to say about this one...


She's got it! Fear not! Here is the answer: Use the "these hoes aint loyal" method!

1. 1
2. grab a hoe
3. 2
4. Make her grind
5. 3
6. Make her loyal
7. 4
8. get her pregnant she will stay with you.
9. 5
10. Negrooooooo

(Note: I work for a website where 13-year-olds and equally audacious people like to publish their knowledge. "Dear Jacqueline" is a page devoted to their work and a peek into my life as an editor. For the record, no spelling or punctuation has been changed.)

The Best Advice Ever #1

Dear Jacqueline,

How do I prevent mice from entering my home? Help!

Sincerely,
Anonymous Thoughtermelon

Dear Anonymous Thoughtermelon,

Fear not! Here is the answer: Use the ODB method!

1. Call Ol' Dirty Bastard
2. Say the following, "Straight up n down gohd, they rodents in the dojo"
3. Prepare a guest room for ODB. He will arrive on the first half moon according to the Chinese calendar.
4. Allow the Dirty his space, gohd. He's on it.
5. Yo, the mice are yesterday son. Praise be ODB!
6. Offer a weekend with your wife, daughter, daughter's friend, or any related female ODB may have interest in as payment.
7. Take Od's card. It's also got Method Man's number in case you get termites.

(Note: I work for a website where 13-year-olds and equally audacious people like to publish their knowledge. "Dear Jacqueline" is a page devoted to their work and a peek into my life as an editor. For the record, no spelling or punctuation has been changed.)